Wedding day tips for shy or introvert brides

Every girl dreams of being the centre of attention on her wedding day

Every woman has dreamed of her wedding dress since she was a little girl

Every girl wants to be a princess right?

I have heard these phrases on repeat since I was that little girl and I can tell you now that it simply isn’t true. As an adult planning a wedding my introvert nature kicked in and the part of the day where everyone is staring at you began to fill me with a tiny bit of dread.

I attended enough traditional weddings where I would hear people evaluate the bride’s dress, her entrance, her whole appearance. I knew that what would please some of the people’s traditional ideas of getting it right would simply not feel like ‘me’.

I absolutely love going to weddings where the people getting married are confident, extroverted and fulfilling all their dreams of a huge celebration. If that’s you, then brilliant stuff. If not, please be kind to yourself and plan a day where you can truly show up as yourself and enjoy the experience both on the day and in the lead up to it.

I also love being a celebrant for couples extrovert and introvert alike. It’s a role where the focus sort of is on me but it’s all about the couple and creating a beautiful ceremony and experience.

Below are some tips that I have picked up from some smart couples and from being part of some incredible weddings.

1) The guestlist

Choosing who to invite (and who not to invite) can always be a challenging one. Some couples face pressure from families to invite people they may have barely seen since childhood. Inviting one close work friend can suddenly lead to you finding yourself inviting the whole office to the evening do. Partners, distant cousins, kids, pets?

Not only can you run the risk of offending people who find out they’re not invited, it also pushes the cost up to astronomical levels very quickly.

This is where thinking and planning ahead really pays off. Imagine yourself standing with your partner and saying your vows. Who are the people that you really want to be there? The people that will be feeling the love and open-heartedly wishing you well, free of negative judgement.

For some of us that number may be fifty people and for others it may be just two. Working with couples who keep it small I have never sensed any regret or felt like anything was lacking. They can be the most touching and emotional ceremonies for the people who are privileged enough to be there hearing the couple’s love story. Often the nerves kick in for those who are inviting people because they “should”.

If you have some challenging loved ones who you still want to invite, consider planning in who you will spend most of your time with on the day. Pick the people who make you feel loved, calm and relaxed and let them know that theirs are the smiling, encouraging faces you would like centre stage throughout the day to support you.

2) Entrance

It is becoming more common for couples to eschew the common western tradition of the groom arriving first and the bride being escorted down the aisle by her father. The whole backstory of being given away as a piece of property has obvious feminist issues for many, but for some attention-evading bides this is the point of the day where you imagine really having to pretend to enjoy everyone staring at you.

Same-sex couples and non-binary individuals have to decide if they follow this tradition and select which partner will fit into which role. As people are safe enough to be honest that they might not fit into every gendered stereotype, more and more couples are designing their arrival to the ceremony to fit better with who they are.

I know of couples arriving together by classic cars, on horseback and in helicopters. Some couples have chosen to walk down the aisle together. During a camping style wedding the couple spent the day surrounded by their guests and beckoned them over to the hay bale seating for a chilled-out hand-fasting part way through the day. In one particularly lovely ceremony I was lucky enough to officiate the couple each arrived with a sibling to walk them down the aisle whilst their parents were seated on couches near the front of the castle room.

In short, think about what feels right for you both and your family and friends set-up. Whatever you go for people will love it. If there is anybody there who feels short-changed because they didn’t get to stare at the bride walking down the aisle veiled up to the max then it will do them good to see the possibilities of moving with the times.

3) Vows

I have worked with a few couples now who have told me from the outset that they are shy or worried about public speaking. Saying the vows is the one part of the ceremony you probably really do need to say something. Most of these couples tend to go for the “I do” option where I will read out each promise to each of them. These vows are still personal and tailored to them and what they want to vow to each other.

Another option is to read your vows out. As a celebrant I will often have the poem excerpt or vows printed and ready to hand to the couple at the right moment. Knowing that the celebrant is able to lead you through this and that you don’t have to remember anything by heart can help take some of the natural nerves away for many.

4) The dress

If you’ve ever been a woman planning a wedding you will likely have been asked many times about your dress. Whether you know what dress you want. What it looks like. Where did you get it from. How much did it cost. If you’ve ever known a woman planning a wedding you’ve probably asked her about her dress too, because that’s the normal thing to do right?

For many it is and it’s all part of the fun, but for some this is a whole other layer of pressure and expectation. Some people seem to have strong opinions about what a wedding dress should be and it fits back into the whole princess for a day thing. There is an assumption that the woman must want to be the centre of attention and have everyone looking at her looking the most beautiful she ever has – and that traditional wedding dresses are designed to achieve this task.

If something makes you feel beautiful, relaxed and special it can be your wedding outfit if you want it to be (it also definitely doesn’t have to be a dress!) Very few of us are going into marriage trying to signal our virginity or purity these days but many people still want an outfit that signals the specialness of the day. And of course, something that photographs well.

There are more and more couples opting for outfits that reflect their personalities and don’t fit into the traditional mould. I saw a woman wearing the most beautiful gold dress with intricate sparkles on her wedding day and I still remember how stunning she looked and how much she clearly knew her own style.

It is important to stick to your guns and think about whether you’re choosing something to please yourself or others. Remember that any words of advice about what you should or shouldn’t have for your outfit are likely to say more about the limitations the advice-giver has put upon themselves. Don’t be afraid to try on traditional gowns whilst also looking at other options and see what feels the most comfortable for you.

5) Speeches

This is a bit of a strange one as brides traditionally don’t give a speech during the wedding reception and a shy father-of-the bride or best man would be more likely to feel the nerves here.

As the times move forward more brides are choosing to speak alongside their spouses. Again, for same-sex couples and non-binary individuals these traditions are naturally being rethought and redesigned.

For a bride averse to public speaking there are bits of patriarchy which can work in your favour and I’m not going to argue that you should grab the microphone in the name of equality if it fills you with dread.

Instead, speeches can maybe be an opportunity to take the pressure of anybody else who may not be a natural public speaker. Some couples find that asking people who would like to make a speech in advance and not caring about who the traditional players should be can help.

If you don’t have a great relationship with your Dad, maybe don’t plan to endure an awkward speech just to tick the expected box. Some couples have found that setting up an open mic works well as people can speak from the heart and it takes the pressure off if somebody feels nervous in the moment. You also might get some additional lovely moments from people you might not have thought to ask to do an official speech.

6) Space

If you are an introvert by Susan Cain’s definition you are likely to need quiet time to recharge after lots of social interaction. This doesn’t mean you aren’t sociable and it doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy being the centre of attention in some situations. Really think beforehand about what your needs are likely to be on the day and leading up to the day of your wedding.

It might be that having a room to escape to when you need a minute could really take the pressure off you having to be switched on all day. Or it might be that you don’t want to miss a second with your guests, but that in the days beforehand you limit your social interactions to make sure you are well rested and ready to party.

I know from personal experience that having a way to escape from a social situation is weirdly the key to me enjoying it more. Knowing that there is room to hide in, a car to drive away in or a quiet spot outside to disappear to means that I am more likely to feel confident that I am choosing to stay in a situation and not feel trapped. There are some clear challenges to this if it’s your wedding day but it might be worth thinking about down time if you have a long day planned or even a full weekend.

7) Nerves/Excitement

If you are feeling nervous about the attention of the day the chances are you’re doing all this because you really ant to get married and you’re also super-excited about the day itself.

Weddings are a rite of passage for many any and a milestone in life. Celebrating our romantic partnership with someone with all the people we love the most in the world is an exceptionally special moment. It’s completely normal to feel the butterflies beforehand and the nervous-excited energy that tells us we actually really want to do this.

However, if thinking about any tiny part of the day fills you with dread or anxiety about not being able to enjoy it don’t be afraid to think creatively and simply redesign that part. Let go of what you should do and imagine how it will feel if you get the planning right for you and your partner.

A celebrant is there to deliver the ceremony and can help with any fears you may have there. My experience working with couples is that it can also be useful having an impartial person to use as a sounding board for any plans later in the day and celebrations. The couple both feeling confident and supported is the key to the day being as incredible as every wedding should be.

Feminist Weddings

Do you want to choose whatever you want without feeling pressure from traditional gender expectations? - Sounds like you're planning a feminist wedding

Feminism is interpreted in so many ways by different people. For me feminism is very simply the belief in equal rights and choices in all areas of life and relationships for all people, whatever your gender. I also happen to absolutely love a wedding and the magic of celebrating people in love!

These passions are completely intertwined with each other and humanism when the focus is on that all-important word CHOICE. As the couple making vows to each other it really is up to you what feels right and which traditions you keep, leave out or put your own modern spin on.

If you are a couple who believe in feminism and equality in your relationship, we can work together to create a ceremony that feels truly special and unique to you both and reflects your values. There is no need to throw all traditions and history out the window (or burn any bras) – but it might be worth exploring what different parts of the ceremony really mean to you both.

Talking with friends about the best weddings they have ever been to, they talk about the ones where they could feel the love between the couple. The ones where you get a little glimpse into who people are and how they ended up realising they are meant to be partners in life. The ones where the people marrying made conscious choices about how they wanted to celebrate and include the people they care about in that amazing day.

Exploring Traditions from the start . . . .

The proposal

Chances are that way before the wedding day itself couples start thinking about how the reality of modern relationships fit with the picture-perfect proposal story. What I learned from Hollywood movies about how proposals work:

• Marriage is only between men and women (and women are usually waiting around in the hope of snagging that perfect man).

The Same Sex Couples Act came about in 2013 in the UK, with the first same-sex ceremonies taking place in March 2014. It feels crazy how recent this is! Humanist ceremonies mean that whatever the gender of the couple you will be guaranteed a personal, bespoke ceremony designed in partnership with you.

• Women wait for the man to propose. Apart from some random leap-year loophole which means women get one day every four years to throw caution to the wind and maybe take the lead on discussing the future of the relationship.

If you choose to have a legally and financially binding wedding you might want to think about the more practical parts of what getting married actually means. And whether you should both be entering into it this commitment with the same rights to discuss and suggest what it means to you both.

And then obviously make it as romantic and magical as you want because those life moments are super important. If going down on one knee is your thing, go for it! But never feel pressured that you have to do it a certain way – let your creativity run wild . . .

• The woman wears an engagement ring – not usually the man for some reason

If you’re interested in reading around the history of this there is a lot about transactions and the woman being shown to be “taken”. A quick internet search will also take you to the history of diamonds becoming popular in the 1930s, mainly due to a massively successful advertising campaign by DeBeers!

One beautiful rumour is that the left hand is the one favoured for rings as the special vein the “Vena Amoris” runs between the ring finger and the heart. There is definitely not a law that says anybody has to prove their engaged status by showing off a flashy ring. Or a law that says that men don’t get a ring until the ceremony. So decide for yourselves what feels right for you – and how much you’re a fan of jewellery.

• Asking for the bride’s father’s hand in marriage

So there are clearly some issues if you want to marry someone and you think the best person to ask for permission is their father. And equally as problematic is the idea that two people have decided to get married and if the bride’s father said no they’d just call the whole thing off and got their separate ways.

In reality, many couples stick with this tradition as a token way to show respect for family and attach their own meaning to it. Some people discuss a proposal with both families beforehand if they’re planning a special surprise for their partner and they have discussed marriage previously. Just remember there is no obligation to ask anyone’s permission outside of the two people who are making vows in the ceremony.

So by the time you’re contemplating a humanist ceremony and reading this chances are you already have your proposal story. And chances are it feels just perfect for you.

Planning a wedding can feel for some like an endless amount of choices. Knowing who you are and how you want to feel at your ceremony can help narrow down what is going to be perfect on the day.

Some of the questions you might want to think about:

• Are traditional outfits for you or would you love to put your own spin on how you dress?

• Does every little girl dream of being a princess on her wedding day her whole life? People can say this as if it’s true, but it’s really not.

• Do you want to put a modern twist on the whole walking down the aisle thing (avoiding anyone being given or traded away) or do you want to find an original way to arrive at your ceremony?

• Do you want to write your own vows to each other or explore other options? No promises of obedience necessary!

• Will you divide your friends into gendered bridesmaid and groomsmen roles or explore mixing things up a bit?

• What music and readings will you choose to reflect you as a couple?

• Is it the bride’s big day – or is it for both people in the couple to be included (and take responsibility for) planning the ceremony?

• Do you want to exchange rings? Bracelets? Anything else?

• Have you thought about a symbolic act such as a handfasting or sand blending ceremony? Warming the rings? There are so many amazing ways to represent union, equality and love and add something truly meaningful and memorable to your ceremony.

So have a feminist wedding and design your kind of ceremony your way, without limitations from all the unwritten rules. If you enjoy the process you should end up with a day where you can be truly present and enjoy every single moment. In the words of the fantastic Alicia Keys:

“Sometimes, I want some damn makeup, and I’m going to wear it! Guess what — if I want to wear red lipstick and put eyelashes on, I can do whatever I f—ing want. I am the creator of my own destiny,” Keys says in an interview with Variety after publicly choosing not to conform to make-up expectations.