Feminist Weddings

Do you want to choose whatever you want without feeling pressure from traditional gender expectations? - Sounds like you're planning a feminist wedding

Feminism is interpreted in so many ways by different people. For me feminism is very simply the belief in equal rights and choices in all areas of life and relationships for all people, whatever your gender. I also happen to absolutely love a wedding and the magic of celebrating people in love!

These passions are completely intertwined with each other and humanism when the focus is on that all-important word CHOICE. As the couple making vows to each other it really is up to you what feels right and which traditions you keep, leave out or put your own modern spin on.

If you are a couple who believe in feminism and equality in your relationship, we can work together to create a ceremony that feels truly special and unique to you both and reflects your values. There is no need to throw all traditions and history out the window (or burn any bras) – but it might be worth exploring what different parts of the ceremony really mean to you both.

Talking with friends about the best weddings they have ever been to, they talk about the ones where they could feel the love between the couple. The ones where you get a little glimpse into who people are and how they ended up realising they are meant to be partners in life. The ones where the people marrying made conscious choices about how they wanted to celebrate and include the people they care about in that amazing day.

Exploring Traditions from the start . . . .

The proposal

Chances are that way before the wedding day itself couples start thinking about how the reality of modern relationships fit with the picture-perfect proposal story. What I learned from Hollywood movies about how proposals work:

• Marriage is only between men and women (and women are usually waiting around in the hope of snagging that perfect man).

The Same Sex Couples Act came about in 2013 in the UK, with the first same-sex ceremonies taking place in March 2014. It feels crazy how recent this is! Humanist ceremonies mean that whatever the gender of the couple you will be guaranteed a personal, bespoke ceremony designed in partnership with you.

• Women wait for the man to propose. Apart from some random leap-year loophole which means women get one day every four years to throw caution to the wind and maybe take the lead on discussing the future of the relationship.

If you choose to have a legally and financially binding wedding you might want to think about the more practical parts of what getting married actually means. And whether you should both be entering into it this commitment with the same rights to discuss and suggest what it means to you both.

And then obviously make it as romantic and magical as you want because those life moments are super important. If going down on one knee is your thing, go for it! But never feel pressured that you have to do it a certain way – let your creativity run wild . . .

• The woman wears an engagement ring – not usually the man for some reason

If you’re interested in reading around the history of this there is a lot about transactions and the woman being shown to be “taken”. A quick internet search will also take you to the history of diamonds becoming popular in the 1930s, mainly due to a massively successful advertising campaign by DeBeers!

One beautiful rumour is that the left hand is the one favoured for rings as the special vein the “Vena Amoris” runs between the ring finger and the heart. There is definitely not a law that says anybody has to prove their engaged status by showing off a flashy ring. Or a law that says that men don’t get a ring until the ceremony. So decide for yourselves what feels right for you – and how much you’re a fan of jewellery.

• Asking for the bride’s father’s hand in marriage

So there are clearly some issues if you want to marry someone and you think the best person to ask for permission is their father. And equally as problematic is the idea that two people have decided to get married and if the bride’s father said no they’d just call the whole thing off and got their separate ways.

In reality, many couples stick with this tradition as a token way to show respect for family and attach their own meaning to it. Some people discuss a proposal with both families beforehand if they’re planning a special surprise for their partner and they have discussed marriage previously. Just remember there is no obligation to ask anyone’s permission outside of the two people who are making vows in the ceremony.

So by the time you’re contemplating a humanist ceremony and reading this chances are you already have your proposal story. And chances are it feels just perfect for you.

Planning a wedding can feel for some like an endless amount of choices. Knowing who you are and how you want to feel at your ceremony can help narrow down what is going to be perfect on the day.

Some of the questions you might want to think about:

• Are traditional outfits for you or would you love to put your own spin on how you dress?

• Does every little girl dream of being a princess on her wedding day her whole life? People can say this as if it’s true, but it’s really not.

• Do you want to put a modern twist on the whole walking down the aisle thing (avoiding anyone being given or traded away) or do you want to find an original way to arrive at your ceremony?

• Do you want to write your own vows to each other or explore other options? No promises of obedience necessary!

• Will you divide your friends into gendered bridesmaid and groomsmen roles or explore mixing things up a bit?

• What music and readings will you choose to reflect you as a couple?

• Is it the bride’s big day – or is it for both people in the couple to be included (and take responsibility for) planning the ceremony?

• Do you want to exchange rings? Bracelets? Anything else?

• Have you thought about a symbolic act such as a handfasting or sand blending ceremony? Warming the rings? There are so many amazing ways to represent union, equality and love and add something truly meaningful and memorable to your ceremony.

So have a feminist wedding and design your kind of ceremony your way, without limitations from all the unwritten rules. If you enjoy the process you should end up with a day where you can be truly present and enjoy every single moment. In the words of the fantastic Alicia Keys:

“Sometimes, I want some damn makeup, and I’m going to wear it! Guess what — if I want to wear red lipstick and put eyelashes on, I can do whatever I f—ing want. I am the creator of my own destiny,” Keys says in an interview with Variety after publicly choosing not to conform to make-up expectations.